"VAN" (Europe Bureau - Aleksey Vesyoliy) :: We are living in an increasingly narcissistic and "look at me" society. Statistics and science are pointing in this direction. Everyone needs attention, like we need to eat. The "look at me" mentality is often promoted by social media and encourages self-promotion, as users generate all of the content. The trouble with this aspect of social networking is that nearly everyone presents an unrealistic portrait of themselves. Much has been written about the rise of narcissism amongst millennials. Many children of the millennial generation were given form rather than substance, presents instead of presence, which leaves children feeling insecure. Empty praise causes children to feel entitled while lacking the true confidence necessary to feel good about themselves. Society’s shift towards instant gratification appears to be having a negative effect on our children.
Narcissistic relationships are formed when one or both partners struggle with a narcissistic personality. More narcissism means more narcissistic relationships. How does this rise in narcissism impact our personal relationships?
What is Narcissism? Who are Narcissists ? Is Narcissism a symptom of something else?
Narcissism is not just something attributed to people who post selfies on social media. It’s a diagnosable personality disorder that causes people to have a delusional sense of self-worth and lack of empathy. Narcissism is a disorder of self-esteem. People with narcissism are often the most insecure people in the room and they’ve established a way of showing themselves as anything but – that they often look like the most confident person in the room but there’s an emptiness there.
4 pillars to narcissism are: lack of empathy, grandiosity, a chronic sense of entitlement and a chronic need to seek out admiration from other people and validation from other people. Those really create the core of that disorder.
Narcissist has "buried his true self-expression in response to early injuries and replaced it with a highly developed, compensatory false self." This alternate persona often comes across as grandiose, "above others," self-absorbed, and highly conceited. Narcissist has disorder of attachment- the inability to make deep, intimate, connected and emphatic ties to another human being.
Narcissistic people intentionally put down others in order to maintain a high positive image of themselves. Seeking admiration is like a drug for narcissists. In the long run, it becomes difficult because others won't applaud them, so they always have to search for new acquaintances from whom they get the next fix. This also explains why narcissists typically maintain only weak relationships. Research suggests a combination of parental rejection and excessive admiration is more strongly linked to adult narcissism than if one childhood experience consistently existed without the other.
It is estimated that around 1% of population suffers from narcissistic personality disorder. Narcissists do not like to be told that they are narcissists. In fact, they often have a strong negative and volatile reaction. However, many people who have narcissistic personality disorder do not seek treatment and therefore are never diagnosed. Studies show that men are more likely to be narcissistic.
Narcissists have inflated self-esteem, they are very fragile, with very low self-esteem which is the other component of the anti-self, made up of extremely self-hating and self-demeaning "critical inner voices". Even slight criticism can be a narcissistic injury, leading to an anger and desperate attempts to regain their fragile, inflated self-esteem. Condescending is a common dynamic in narcissistic relationships. This behavior can be traced back to the need desperate need narcissists feel to be above others.
Around 75% of the individuals diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder are men. Although almost everyone has some self-centered or narcissistic traits, most people do not meet the criteria for having a personality disorder. There is a growing portion of the population that is displaying a greater number of toxic, narcissistic traits, which are having an adverse effect on their lives and the lives of people close to them, even if they do not meet the clinical diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder. Forming attachments to individuals who exhibit these negative traits often causes similar distress as a diagnosable narcissistic relationship.
While all narcissists are likely to show certain behaviors, not all narcissists are the same. In fact, there are two different types of narcissism, Grandiose Narcissism and Vulnerable Narcissism. These types of narcissism stem from different early childhood experiences and lead to different behaviors in a relationship.
Grandiose narcissists display high levels of grandiosity, aggression and dominance. They tend to be more confident and less sensitive. They are often elitists and have no problem telling everyone how great they are. Usually grandiose narcissists were treated as if they were superior in their early childhood and they move through life expecting this type of treatment to continue. In relationships, grandiose narcissists are more likely to openly engage in infidelity or leave their partners abruptly if they feel that they are not getting the special treatment that they think they are entitled to.
Vulnerable narcissists are much more emotionally sensitive. They have "fragile grandiosity," in which their narcissism serves as a facade protecting deeper feelings of inadequacy and incompetence. This type of narcissism usually develops in early childhood as a coping mechanism to deal with abuse or neglect. In relationships, vulnerable narcissists often worry about how their partners perceive them. They can be very possessive, jealous and paranoid about their partners having flirtations or affairs.
What are the secret fears of narcissists?
While narcissists work very hard to give off every indication of success and self confidence to others, narcissists harbor significant secret fears. These fears drive narcissists to expend great effort to avoid the risk of either one occurring in order for them to maintain a sense of egocentric equilibrium.
Public humiliation
Narcissists are unable to tolerate failure of any sort and public humiliation is considered the worst type of failure that could happen. A narcissist’s ego is an extremely fragile thing and when she feels she is being laughed at or is losing the respect of others, it can be tremendously upsetting. The narcissist’s ego is the only protection they have from the world and when their ego integrity is breached, narcissists often respond in ways that seem markedly out of proportion to the circumstances for average people. Their own self-assessment of their worth and value confirm to them that they are already significantly evolved and accomplished. They are unable to fathom why a partner may be disappointed in their behavior or in the relationship. By being so out-of-touch with the realities of relationships, their reaction to the dissatisfaction of their partners is driven by fear.
Loss of a partner's admiration
Narcissists need to be admired by their partners. When they notice that a partner’s interest in them or enthusiasm for them is flagging, they become desperate to win back their partner’s affection. When you are in a relationship with a narcissist, you will realize early that little things can drive a narcissist into a state of anxiety and fear about the relationship is failing. Narcissists view partners as trophies. They also tend to expect partners to show high levels of deference and adoration to them—long after the early "crush stage" of a relationship should have worn off. Manipulation of a partner is emotional abuse and narcissists resort to some pretty nasty behaviors if they feel that they are losing their hold on a partner.
3 main defense mechanisms of narcissists when they fear their relationships are ending
1. Generate jealousy
When they are fearful of a partner losing interest, they might create situations that generate jealousy in their partners to acquire power and control in the relationship and those narcissists with the most fragile egos also induce jealousy to take revenge on partners, test the relationship, prove relationship security, and build up their own self-esteem.
2. Instill guilt
Narcissists will also try and make their partners feel guilty about any behaviors that the narcissist believes are signs of disrespect or lack of adequate gratitude. Narcissists are manipulators who have no qualms about twisting a partner’s words or actions in a way that would make the partner feel guilty or remorseful about things she has no reason to feel bad about.
3. Threaten to leave
Narcissists will threaten to end the relationship if a partner begins showing independence or behaves in ways contrary to the narcissist’s expectations.
5 things you should never expect from a Narcissist
Narcissistic people tend to be some of the most self-absorbed human beings on the entire planet. Keep in mind that you always have the power to just tell them no, walk away, and move on from this horrible experience of a toxic personality.
1. Gratitude
Narcissists will avoid giving you any kind of credit when it comes to you helping them out. Instead, they will point out all of your flaws, all of the things you should've done, and how you are expected to do all of this/more for them. This is a very self-destructive behavior that a person can have simply because they will seem as if they will never be satisfied with what you give them. If you've begun to notice that the person you are dealing with purposely avoids praising you for any kind of effort, you may be experiencing a toxic narcissistic person.
2. Apologies
Narcissists will never give you an apology especially if it's something that they did. They already know what they've done and they are going to refuse to acknowledge all of the consequences that follow after their cruel deeds. If the person you are dealing with seems as if they are never going to apology it could be because you are dealing with a toxic narcissistic person. In their world, they are never the one who is in the wrong, only all of the other people who should've done things 'differently' so that this never even happened.
3. Attention
Narcissistic people will avoid paying any kind of attention to people they don't care for, which is almost everyone. If the subject is not about them or anything that they want, then they simply claim the issue to not be any of their problem.
4. Giving anything for free
The idea of giving anything for free to just anyone completely disgusts them and will avoid any kind of direct confrontation when they are expected to do so. They hate giving things away for free especially when they expect everyone else to give them free things.
5. Compassion and Empathy
Narcissists will never show any kind of form of compassion or empathy other than for themselves. Unless you are giving them something that will benefit them, they will never express any kind of empathy to you at all. They expect people to give them things in exchange for their presence. Every narcissist believes that they are worth a lot more than everyone else claims to be.
Looking through a historical lens
Narcissism has a long history, stretching back to ancient Greece, but made famous by a Roman poet. The earliest reference to Narcissus in Western literature is a mention of the Narcissus flower. The Greek poet Homer tells that it was the seductive charm of the narcissus flower which tempted the young girl Persephone and thrust her into hell.
An astute psychologist as well as a poet, the Roman poet Ovid sets forth the basic themes of narcissism: the narcissist's inability to love another person except insofar as the other reflects himself, grandiosity, need for mirroring and lack of empathy.
Sigmund Freud, who took ancient myths seriously, believed that myths like Oedipus and Narcissus illustrated themes deep in the human psyche. He thought that narcissism was a stage of development ("primary narcissism") when the infant was aware of others only as an extension of himself. According to Freud, some people get stuck at this early stage and remain narcissists, unable to truly love another person as separate from themselves.
During the early 1900s, the topic of narcissism started to attract interest in the growing school of thought known as psychoanalysis. Austrian psychoanalyst Otto Rank published one of the earliest descriptions of narcissism in 1911, in which he connected it to self-admiration and vanity.
In 1914, Sigmund Freud published a paper titled "On Narcissism: An Introduction". Freud suggested that narcissism is connected to whether one's libido (energy that lies behind each person's survival instincts) is directed inward toward one's self, or outward toward others. He felt that infants directed all of the libido inward, a state he referred to as primary narcissism. In Freud's model, there was a fixed amount of this energy, and to the degree this libido was directed outward toward attachment to others, it would diminish the amount available to one's self. By "giving away" this love, Freud suggested that people experienced diminished primary narcissism, and in order to replenish this capacity, he believed that receiving love and affection in the world in return was vital to maintaining a sense of satisfaction. In addition, in Freud's theory of personality, a person's sense of himself develops as a child interacts with the outside world and begins to learn social norms and cultural expectations leading to the development of an ego ideal, or a perfect image of oneself that the ego strives to attain. Another important part of Freud's theory is the idea that this love of one's self could be transferred to another person or object. By giving away love, Freud suggested that people experienced diminished primary narcissism, leaving them less able to nurture, protect, and defend themselves. In order to replenish this capacity, he believed that receiving love and affection in return was vital.
Treatments for narcissistic personality disorder have not been well studied. Therapy is difficult, because people with narcissistic personality disorder usually do not consider themselves to have a mental health problem.
The narcissistic personality was first described by the psychoanalyst Robert Waelder in 1925. During the 1950s and 1960s, psychoanalysts Otto Kernberg and Heinz Kohut helped spark more interest in narcissism. In 1967, Kernberg described "narcissistic personality structure." He developed a theory of narcissism that suggested three major types: normal adult narcissism, normal infantile narcissism, and pathological narcissism that can be of different types. In 1968, Heinz K Kohut came to a different understanding of "narcissistic personality disorder" and went on to take some of Freud's earlier ideas about narcissism and expand upon them.
In 1980, narcissistic personality disorder was officially recognized in the third edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorder and criteria were established for its diagnosis.
Narcissistic personality disorder usually develops either in adolescence or in early adulthood and it is common for children and adolescents to display personality traits that resemble narcissistic personality disorder. Environmental and social factors also exert significant influence upon the onset of narcissistic personality disorder in a person. Narcissistic personality disorder is an inheritable psychological condition; research evidence indicates that a person is more likely to develop narcissistic personality disorder if said personality disorder occurs in the medical history of his or her family. In some people, narcissism may develop from an impaired emotional attachment to the primary caregivers, usually the parents. That lack of psychological and emotional attachment to a parental figure can result in the child's perception of himself or herself as unimportant and unconnected to other people, usually family, community, and society. Typically, the child comes to believe that they have a personality defect that makes him or her an unvalued and unwanted person, in that vein, either overindulgent and permissive parenting or insensitive and over-controlling parenting are contributing factors towards the development of narcissistic personality disorder in a child.
How to identify that you are in toxic relationship with a Narcissist?
We all want to feel safe, loved, and happy in our romantic relationships. Every relationship has its ups and downs, but if you find you are unhappy much more than you are happy when you are with someone, then it may be time to assess whether this is the right person or relationship for you. Toxic relationships can happen to anyone. One of the problems is that a lot of unhealthy relationship habits are baked into our culture. You are not weak if you get caught in the grip of a partner who you love but who is essentially poisoning your self-esteem, happiness and wellbeing. You don’t need physical violence in order to have an abusive relationship. If you are in an abusive relationship (physical or emotional), you know, it is toxic. If a relationship is not abusive, can it still be toxic? Yes, and these relationships are just as dangerous, if not more, than an abusive relationship because you may not be aware that it is harming you. Toxic relationship can kill you slowly inside, stunt your growth, lower your self -esteem, disconnect you from you, without you knowing it.
Can a narcissist truly love someone? The short answer is a simple "no." It is actually highly unlikely that narcissistic partner is even capable of real love. Narcissists have difficulty really loving someone else, because they don’t truly love themselves. They are so focused on themselves that they cannot really "see" their partner as a separate person. They tend to only see the partner in terms of how they fill their needs. Narcissistic partners often lack the ability to have empathy with their partners’ feelings. This lack of empathy leads to a lot of hard feelings.
Can person with narcissistic personality disorder change? Can we change our personalities? Sometimes, the right approach can soften even the hardest of hearts. Narcissists have learned to ignore, suppress, deny, project, and disavow their vulnerabilities or at least try in their attempts to shape and reshape "who they are" in their interactions. Change—allowing the vulnerability back in— means opening up to the very feelings they’ve learned to avoid at all costs. It’s not that people with narcissistic personality disorder can’t change, it’s that it often threatens their sense of personhood to try and their failed relationships often confirm, in their minds, that narcissism is the safest way to live.
Is it possible that you in toxic relationship with a narcissist and not even realize it?
Person with narcissistic personality disorder is difficult relationship partner. Narcissistic individuals may only appear to care about you when you are fulfilling their needs or serving a purpose for them. A narcissistic relationship can lead to a lot of emotional distress.
Ask yourself, does your partner…
1. Bring you down?
2. Make you feel unsupported?
3. Have some positive characteristics that keep you with them, despite other destructive traits?
4. Make you feel ‘hooked’ on them?
5. Undermine your feelings, publicly or privately?
6. Make you doubt yourself or feel insecure?
If you answered "yes" to most of these, you could well be in a toxic relationship with a narcissist.
Narcissists primarily focus on emotional and psychological abuse. Abuse may be physical, financial, spiritual or sexual. The narcissistic person tends to seek out an empathetic partner in order to gain admiration of their own attributes and feelings of power and control – narcissistic supply. The narcissist creates a dynamic abuser and victim relationship through a cycle of abuse, resulting in traumatic bonding that makes it hard for their partner to leave the increasingly abusive relationship. People with codependent-type traits may seek relationships with narcissists.
The narcissists' relationships are characterized by a period of intense involvement and idealization of their partner, followed by devaluation, and a rapid discarding of the partner. Your sense of self has been eroded and diminished. You were idealized, devalued, then shoved off the pedestal. Perhaps you were even replaced and discarded multiple times, lured back into an abuse cycle even more torturous than before. Maybe you were relentlessly stalked, harassed and bullied to stay with your abuser.
Narcissistic partners can be very captivating, especially at the beginning. At the beginning of a relationship with a narcissist, the partner is only shown the ideal self of the narcissist, which includes pseudo-empathy, kindness, and charm. This is why many people, who have been in a long-term narcissistic relationships, describe a very passionate and exciting honeymoon period in the beginning and then a sharp decline as the likability decreases and the self-centered behaviors increase. Narcissists are prone to falling madly in love with someone instantly and are very quick to commit. However, this initial love and commitment is not easily sustained. Once the partner has committed to the relationship, the true self of the narcissist will begin to emerge. When you are in a narcissistic relationship, you may feel very lonely. You might feel like you are just an accessory and your needs and wants are unimportant.
Narcissist is a great manipulator. Manipulation is indirect influence on someone to behave in a way that furthers the goals of the manipulator. Often, it expresses covert aggression. On the surface, the words seem harmless – even complimentary, but underneath you feel demeaned or sense a hostile intent. Narcissists have a tendency to make decisions for others to suit their own agenda. Narcissists may use their romantic partner, child, family, friend, or colleague to meet unreasonable self-serving needs, fulfill unrealized dreams, or cover-up weaknesses and shortcomings. Narcissists are also fond of using guilt and blame as manipulative tools. Very common abuse traits by narcissist include: bullying, accusing, blaming, shaming, demanding, ordering, threatening, criticizing, sarcasm, raging, opposing, undermining, interrupting, blocking etc.
Emotional invalidation and coercion. Narcissists can be physically abusive, for the majority of their victims, emotional suffering is where the damage is most painfully felt. Narcissists enjoy spreading negative emotions in order to feel powerful and keep their victim insecure and off-balance. Many narcissists have unpredictable mood swings and are prone to emotional drama. You never know what might displease them and set them off. They turn agitated if you disagree with their views or fail to meet their expectations. Narcissists are sensitive to criticism, but quick to judge others. By keeping down and making their victim feel inferior, they boost their fragile ego, and feel more reassured about themselves.
Gaslighting. Intentionally making you distrust your perceptions of reality or believe that you are mentally incompetent. Gaslighting is manipulation and psychological control. Victims of gaslighting are deliberately and systematically fed false information that leads them to question what they know to be true, often about themselves. They may end up doubting their perception and even their sanity. Over time, a gaslighting can grow more complex and potent, making it increasingly difficult for the victim to see the truth. The term "gaslighting" is derived from the 1944 film "Gaslight", where a husband tries to convince his wife that she’s insane by causing her to question herself and her reality.
Rarely admit flaws and become aggressive when criticized. Many narcissists have thin skin and can react poorly when called to account for their negative behavior. When challenged, the narcissist is likely to either fight or take flight or other forms of passive-aggression to intimidate or oppress their opponent. Narcissists view relationships as inherently competitive rather than collaborative.
False image projection. Narcissists tend to project false, idealized images of themselves to the world in order to hide their inner insecurities. Many narcissists like to impress others by making themselves look good externally. This "trophy complex" can exhibit itself physically, romantically, sexually, socially, religiously, financially, materially, professionally, academically or culturally. The underlying message of this display is: "I’m better than you!" or "Look at how special I am — I’m worthy of everyone’s love, admiration, and acceptance!" They attack their victims with direct or subtle cruelty and contempt, gaining sadistic pleasure from these offenses, and betraying a lack of empathy and humanity. These external facades become pivotal parts of their false identities, replacing the real and insecure self.
Rule breaking and boundary violation. Many narcissists enjoy getting away with violating rules and social norms. Disruptive interference with endeavors or relationships with the victim for the purpose of revenge or personal advantage. Narcissists boundary violations presume entitlement, with a narrow, egocentric orientation that oppresses and de-humanizes their victims. In severe cases, this boundary violation pathology may result in illicit and underhanded dealings, financial abuse, sexual harassment, date rape, domestic abuse, hate crimes, human rights violations, and other forms of criminal actions. Many narcissists take pride in their destructive behaviors, as their machinations provide them with a desperate sense of superiority.
Frequent lies and exaggerations. Narcissists are prone to frequent lies and exaggerations (about themselves and others), and have the tendency of lifting themselves up by putting others down. While narcissists often strive to make themselves seem superior and "special" by showing off, bragging, taking undeserved credit, and other forms of self-aggrandizement, gaslighters tend to concentrate on making you feel inferior through false accusations, constant criticism, and psychological intimidation. While the narcissist lies and exaggerates to boost their fragile self-worth, the gaslighter does so to augment their domination and control.
Stonewalling is a tactic used by narcissists to stay in control and hurt victims by refusing to get into, or abruptly end conversations. The abuser knows that emotional isolation hurts the victim, thus will aggressively and intentionally stonewall to gain leverage, inflict pain, and also avoid "awkward" topics. When a narcissist stonewalls, they suddenly become vague, refuse to speak, shout you down, or divert the conversation into a circular argument. They will sometimes even make a point of physically getting away from you by leaving the room.
Cliffhanging is a tactic to stay in control and to leave victims hanging, examples are making themselves unreachable by not responding to phone calls or respond to messages, or by giving a "strings-attached gift" only to suddenly demand that the victim must return it to them. . If the victim refuses to comply, the narcissist claims the victim is causing an issue
Isolation. Isolating you from friends, family, or access to outside services and support through control, manipulation, verbal abuse or other means of abuse.
When you are with someone who is narcissistic, it can often throw you off because initially, narcissists are so good at putting on that admiration seeking show – they can be charismatic, often quite smart, charming and very gripping, but over time, all of that superficial façade is met behind with a real lack of empathy, often a lack of compassion, they often don not listen very well, they will be prone to patterns like deceit and lying.
Abuse by narcissist may range from ignoring your feelings to violent aggression. Typically, narcissists don’t take responsibility for their behavior and shift the blame to you or others; however, some do self-reflect and are capable of feeling guilt. Someone with more narcissistic traits who behaves in a malicious, hostile manner is considered to have "malignant narcissism." Malignant narcissists aren’t bothered by guilt. They can be sadistic and take pleasure in inflicting pain. They can be so competitive and unprincipled that they engage in anti-social behavior. Paranoia puts them in a defensive-attack mode as a means of self-protection.
Being in relationship with narcissist your entire reality has been warped and distorted. You have been mercilessly violated, manipulated, lied to, ridiculed, demeaned and gaslighted. The person you thought you knew and the life you built together have been shattered into a million little fragments. You may find yourself feeling confused about the relationship, off balance or like you are "walking on eggshells" all the time. Psychological violence by narcissists can include verbal and emotional abuse, toxic projection, stonewalling, sabotage, smear campaigns, triangulation along with a plethora of other forms of coercion and control.
As a result of chronic Narcissistic abuse, victims may struggle with symptoms of:
• Posttraumatic Stress Disorder what is serious mental illness characterized by symptoms of avoidance and nervous system arousal after experiencing or witnessing a traumatic event.
• Complex Posttraumatic Stress Disorder Symptoms if they had additional traumas like being abused by narcissistic parents or even what is known as "Narcissistic Victim Syndrome".
If you are currently in an abusive relationship with a narcissist. Know that you are not alone. There are millions of victims all over the world who experience the same. The first step is becoming aware of the reality of your situation and validating it – even if your abuser attempts to gaslight you into believing otherwise.
How to leave abusive relationship with a narcissist?
When we are in relationships, it is natural to become attached and form a romantic bond, but once in love with a narcissist, it is not easy to leave, despite the abuse.
To live a half decent life with a narcissist, you have to sacrifice a lot of who you are, and what you stand for. It is not easy to leave an abusive relationship due to the intense trauma bonds that can develop, the effects of trauma and the pervasive sense of helplessness and hopelessness that can form as a result of the abuse.
Narcissists have a very difficult time handling things when a partner or former partner has begun to create and enforce boundaries because narcissists cannot conceive that a partner could exist beyond the relationship. Narcissists objectify people and use people to meet their own needs—they simply don’t understand how to maintain normal relationships. They cannot comprehend the reasons that partners or friends need space and autonomy to feel satisfied in a relationship. If you are being used to prop up the ego of a narcissist, if you try to claim some space for yourself, the narcissist may feel that you are trying to strip away part of his own identity. Your devotion to the narcissist’s needs is a measure of the narcissist’s self-worth in his mind. When you back away, narcissists are going to try that much harder to reel you back into their lives.
It is easy to become disoriented by the narcissist’s manipulative behavior, caught up in the need to seek their approval, or even to feel "gaslighted" and doubt your own judgement. If you’re codependent, your desire to be loyal may trump even your need to preserve your safety and sense of self. It’s important to remember that no one deserves to be bullied, threatened, or verbally and emotionally abused in a relationship.
The most common advice people is to leave them, unfortunately, for some people, this may feel impossible because their life is so wrapped around the narcissist.
Within any type of narcissistic relationship, there is usually a trauma bond. A connection between the abuser and victim through intense, shared emotional experiences. In order to leave for good, you will have to break that bond. The reason it is difficult to break this bond is that it has been addictive. Narcissists and abusers are basically codependent. If you distance yourself from them, they do what it takes to pull you back in, because they do not want to be abandoned.
Narcissists want to keep you interested to feed their ego and supply their needs called "narcissistic supply". Being left is a major humiliation and blow to their fragile self. They will attempt to stop you with kindness and charm, blame and guilt whatever it takes to control you so that they "win." If you succeed in leaving, they usually continue their games to exert power over you that compensates for their hidden insecurities.
They don’t want to be forgotten. Just when you think you have moved on, you have reeled back in. This may reflect the intentional spacing of contacts. Even if they don’t want to be with you, they may not want you to let go or be with anyone else. The fact that you respond to them may give them enough satisfaction. When they contact you, remember that they are incapable of giving you want you need.
Ending an abusive relationship is never easy. Ending relationship with a narcissist can be especially difficult.
Narcissists and abusers are basically codependent. If you distance yourself, narcissists do what it takes to pull you back in, because they don’t want to be abandoned. Narcissists want to keep you interested to feed their ego and supply their needs because their victims are "narcissistic supply". Being left is a major humiliation and blow to their fragile self. They will do whatever it takes to control you. If you left, they usually continue their games to exert power over you that compensates for their hidden insecurities. They may gossip and slander you to family and friends to suck you back into the relationship like a vacuum cleaner. They don’t want to be forgotten but keep you waiting and hoping.
Even if they don’t want to be with you, they may not want you to let go or be with anyone else. The fact that you respond to them may give them enough satisfaction. When they contact you, remember that they’re incapable of giving you want you need.
Even if you feel sympathy toward the troubled soul behind the ego, if you do not want to lose yourself – LEAVE!
• When you decide to leave, stop any communication with narcissist. No contact sounds fairly simple, but it will take strength. You have to block their number and delete them off social media. This sounds tough, but it’s essential. Narcissists are master manipulators and they know exactly what to say to get themselves back into your life. So the best way to avoid manipulation is to cut them off. It sounds ruthless, but a narcissist will find any way they can to try and get you back.
• You will grieve. Even though they were a narcissist, you probably had a strong emotional bond to them even if they didn’t. Therefore, you are going to feel bad about it, and you’re going to go through a grieving process. The more accept these emotions and process them, the quicker you will get over them.
• If you can not avoid narcissist person, for example, you have children, adopt the "grey rock technique". This strategy involves becoming the most boring and uninteresting person you can be when interacting with a manipulative person.
• You will continue to think about the narcissist person – but that is normal. Seek for a therapist or support group and learn how to nurture yourself.
• Become autonomous. Create a life aside from your relationship that includes friends, hobbies, work, and other interests. In order to become empowered, you need to educate yourself, build your self awareness, independence and self worth.
• Narcissists are skilled are putting others down to elevate themselves, so your self-esteem may have taken a battering. It’s unlikely that you were appreciated for who you are. Practice self-love. Learn to value yourself and honor your needs and feelings. Develop trust in your perceptions and overcome self-doubt and guilt.
• Learn how to be assertive and set boundaries. From a cognitive standpoint, assertive people experience fewer anxious thoughts, even when under stress. From a behavioral standpoint, assertive people are firm without being rude. They react to positive and negative emotions without becoming aggressive or resorting to passivity.
• Think of how you treat yourself. Take care of your body, your mind, and your needs. Start to love yourself, by simple steps and actions every day. Life a life fulfilled with self love, joy and peace. Loving yourself and build your confidence is more than just a state of mind. It is also a series of actions and habits that you embed into your everyday life.
• Focus on your own dreams. Instead of losing yourself in the narcissist’s delusions, focus on the things you want for yourself. What do you want to change in your life? Go for it.
• It’s time to focus on yourself and how you can build a better you. It’s time to focus on yourself and recover meaning in life. Narcissists are skilled at making everything about them. So what’s likely happened is that the narcissistic person has been the center of your universe for a long time. It’s a significant change. As humans, we create meaning through our relationships, and now you’ve lost a lot of meaning to your life, it is exciting as well. You can try new hobbies, or go to a yoga class and meet new people.
• Don’t forget that dating is part of the recovery. Go out and meet new people. You’ll find that most people aren’t narcissists and will genuinely like you for who you are. Don’t try to find "the one" straight away. Just enjoying meeting new people and making new friends. These people will be the breath of fresh air that you need.
• While there may be a lot of scars that come from dating an abusive narcissist, keep in mind that the experience will hold you in good stead for the future.
Publication author:
Sintija Bernava
Chairwoman of the Board "Donum Animus"(Latvia)
Please find full article with photos at EUnetwork.lv.
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